Everything You Need to Know to Be a Perfect Parent

Catchy title, huh?  C'mon, you've bought books with titles like this.  They're next to your bed along with a stack of pregnancy books that said that if you looked the wrong way at a fish that your kid would have 3 arms.

I find that most of the phone calls I get from tearful, overwhelmed families are almost always because there is a book they they are reading telling them that their child isn't doing something that they should be doing and that because the child isn't following that book, that something terrible must be happening and they suck as parents..

They are the books that tell you that kids can be potty trained in a day, that 4 month- olds can "soothe" themselves, that you can train a baby to conform to your schedule...the books I hope all of you will close, put on a shelf, or throw away because of the stress and sense of failure that they induce.

Perfect parenting means making mistakes.

OK.  Maybe "making mistakes" is too harsh.  How about "learning by trial and error."  My husband is a psychiatrist and between the two of us, you'd think we'd have enough training to get the parenting of our 3 boys just about right.  But even we have learned that you need to change a little boy's diaper with your mouth closed, that disciplining without laughing is key, that Pop Tarts are fortified with essential vitamins, and that potty chairs are useful for collecting and storing Matchbox cars when you are two and have no intention whatsoever of using it for its other purpose.  We're better parents because we have learned from our errors.   

When I started med school in the Fall of 1989, one of the first things we were told on day one was that 50% of what we were learning was wrong.  They just weren't sure what 50%. 

So there are very few medical absolutes in parenting. The 50% that was right:  Never shake a baby. Ever.  You need car seats.  Bike helmets save lives.  Babies need food and love to grow.    I'm sure there are a few more, but you get the picture. 

My advice: (and take it or leave it, you're the expert on your kids)

• Try and fail.  Then learn from it.
• Say "I love you" every day.
• When you get parenting advice and it's different from advice you got yesterday, realize that there are many ways to raise a kid, and the kids somehow manage to grow up.  Embrace the advice, take from it what you will and discard the stuff that didn't make sense.
• There is much more stuff that you should do for your kids than you shouldn't.  Don't focus so much on the shouldn't part. Try focusing on what on what you should do like love, praise, limit, cuddle...
• Grandparents must know something if we lived long enough to reproduce.
• Throw away books with catchy titles that promise things that sound too good to be true
• Trust your instincts with your own kids ...no matter how perfect you try to be, they will eventually be old enough to tell you what you messed up.